Finally, I am writing my first real blog. I will hopefully get better at posting more, but it’s been hard because life can be so busy. Someone might be thinking, oh sure, everyone has used that excuse at sometime or another, but seriously, I am a home school mom with 4 boys at home, going to the grocery store alone can feel like a vacation! If you read the previous post, it is one of my Mom’s articles that she wrote for the church newsletter over 20 years ago. My blog isn’t as sweet and pretty as hers, but it’s real, it’s me, and hopefully you’ll be encouraged.
It was March of 2015 when I experienced what would be a series of losses in my life. When we got the call, we were all enjoying a Sunday dinner at my parents house. I was 8 months pregnant with our 3rd baby. In a few short minutes, we learned that we had lost my sweet father-in-law. A man whom I had only known for a few short years, but someone who I had grown to love quickly. I sank right to the floor in the dinning room beginning to weep uncontrollably. The first words I managed to get out as I held my belly, were that the baby in my tummy would never get to meet his Grandpa Griffen. It was such an overwhelming feeling that I can’t even describe. I remember my brother-in-law taking our other boys into the living room, where he played with them as I sat there, still on the floor, hearing Kurt beginning to make the phone calls, and my mom and sister kept trying to dry my tears, and tell me it was going to be ok. It was a reality that I never wanted to face. But here we were facing it head on.
I don’t know how much time had passed, but we eventually got the kids packed up, and headed home. Not sure what was going to happen next. Kurt and I tried to go to bed later that night, but we couldn’t sleep. We just talked, and that baby in my tummy was moving constantly, which was so continually comforting. The next morning started with a phone call from a friend of mine. She wanted to let me know that she was also pregnant when they found her dad, and that she knew how hard it was for me. We had to go to the funeral home, and start making decisions. Ones that neither one of us had ever had to make before. What casket should we use, what will the obituary will say, flowers, pictures to use in a slide show, and more.
It was a lot in a short amount of time. Was it easy? No, but I have realized that we were able to get through that week because of God. On the morning of the funeral, I could list so many praises that had occurred during the week, including the beautiful sunrise that day. I recently heard that God doesn’t give you the grace to deal with the “what if” problems. As a mom, I am naturally always worrying about stuff. I tend to obsess with those “what if” problems. And usually, I get more and more worked up about them. But as I look back on the real, raw trauma of losing someone who loved me, my husband, and my children, I know I got though it all with the grace that God gave me. He gives it to all of us, if we let Him.
In the months that followed, it seemed like we were going to a funeral every other weekend. Well, maybe once a month. But still, my kids began to understand what you do at at funeral. The very next year, we would suffer another huge loss. My Uncle Jim, would pass away, almost to the day we lost my father-in-law. Talk about a distraction. I had been preparing myself to go through that first anniversary of the passing of my father-in-law, and my Uncle Jim passes away. He never did have good timing. But seriously, I remember that too. The day my parents came to my house, to tell me. I was in the kitchen and my mom went to the living room. My dad told me in the kitchen, and the ugly crying started. I remember him holding me, and comforting me. And this time, the first words I uttered out were how happy I was that we had taken the boys to see him on his birthday, just a couple of weeks before. It was the coldest day of the year, -5 degrees, with a wicked wind chill. But we bundled the kids up anyway, and I will be ever glad we did.
Later that spring, I would suffer a miscarriage, and the loss of other friends through out the summer and fall. I kept thinking will I ever get a break? I felt like I couldn’t finish grieving before we were going to the next funeral. The truth is I don’t know if someone can ever finish the grieving process, but if you have Jesus in your heart, it does make it easier.
As you may have guessed I really have grown to hate March. Someone once told me that when someone I know dies, the pain is so hard for me, specifically, because I have so much love to give them. I think part of this is true, but I also think it’s because I might not like change. In fact sometimes I down right hate it! But as I read my mom’s article that she wrote in March of 1997, she talks about change. She uses all of her senses to appreciate all the changes of spring. Since my father-in-law passed away, I have found myself loving spring, and how much new life you see everywhere. The birds, the air, the clouds, the sky, the longer days. I see what she wrote over 20 years ago, and it makes me see change in a different way. When someone dies, it’s a permanent change. But I have learned that God will give you the grace to grieve, and that process doesn’t end. The memory of those people are like gifts that you don’t need to throw out or give up. I find myself taking her advice during this Lent. I need to open my senses, I need to feel Jesus and His grace, and that going to funerals might be my cross.
Beautiful, thoughtful reflections. Thank you for sharing.